Regret

You know what's the most foolish thing that humans have?
We always regret it at the end. But back then, we didn't notice how much impact it'll caused to us. We didn't notice.

For my friend, who's clearly never going to read this. There's something that always bothering me. And all my life I haven't forgiven myself for what I did to you. There's never a chance to apologize, there's never a chance to make it right. Because those days are gone, and there's no second chance in this case.

What I've learned in the past years, my friend, I should not leaving family behind. That means my best friend, and that means you.

I'm sorry it took me this long to realize it, and I know for sure it's already late. And from now on, I make sure I won't making the same mistake again to my new friend. Because you know what?

It hurts. So bad.

You see me like a stranger now. Like we never knew about each other, never talked about our crush, or our personal problems. Never.

Then who is the one who's truly going to blame?
It's me right from the first place. I did it first, and you just did the rest. And you know what, you're not wrong. You're never wrong.

I realized back then I was a foolish little girl who's get bullied, and some parts of me saying the reason of it is you. Because you are my best friend, and you're the one who's getting bullied first and I'm like your sidekick whom getting bullied too. It all make sense that time.

But now, you know what. It's not you. It's me.

Again, it's me. It's my foolish, immature, dramaqueen and dumb personality that made that people doesn't like me. And you, you've always been there for me no matter what they said or did. You always stood up beside me, facing all that stuff. And the really suck thing is, I didn't realize it until now (I know it's extremely late).

I've changed now and I see things differently from this point of view. It totally changed everything that I thought about you, my friend. In fact, I couldn't hold my tears while writing this. Because I miss you.

The bullies, problems, and people cloud my judgment. I shouldn't let them take over my thought into thinking like that. But that was three years ago.

We're all grown up now. We have our own ways. And I believe you're happier now than three years ago when you're with me and I'm glad. Because right now, I'm not happy, at all. I still have sort of drama in my friendship, not the kind that came to us before. And it's my karma, I guess.

But the important thing is, you're happy. I know from the photos on your facebook, from your tweets on twitter, from your posts on blogger, you're happy. And all I can say is, stay happy, you deserve it.

And I'm sorry, H. You'll never be forgotten.

“No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people. Oftentimes, we have no clue. Yet we push it just the same.” 

 “If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don't want to cry anymore, you don't listen to that song anymore. But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide not to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head."

Labels on us

“For god’s sake, I’m exhausted! I have so many remedials today!” I say as we sit in the cafetaria’s chair.

Carla, my classmate and also my bestie, sit beside me. She looks at the menu on the table as she starts to rambling about her grade, “Me too. Why am I getting F in English?! It’s like the easiest subject ever.”

“But you got A in Math in which I got F!” I cry.

That’s right; I’m not a mathematics goddess, or a genius that always got the first rank in class. I’m not the one who's a teacher's favorite. I’m not the most popular student in school so I am extremely busy with party and didn’t pass the test. But I’m not a nerd who get bullied every after school.

There are several cliques in High School. The popular, the party won’t even going without them. Their names filled the gossip lines that we often heard or talked. They knew everyone (or pretended to be). But they act like they knew everyone, and they looked down on the others. Well, they always have a party every holiday, and a cool boyfriend. They’re always nice to other kid, but in the back, you could be the one they're talking bad about. And it’ll ruin your name as soon as it spreads. I believe you already know all of this (and understand pretty much of it). I'm just telling you how it is in my school. It maybe the same like yours but maybe not.

The mid-popular. They’re not too popular, but they are known. They’re nice to almost everyone, but not talking bad as much as the popular. The mid-popular often a group of friends that also acquainted with the popular but managed to still become friend with others and not only hang out the the popular. I have a friend who’s a mid-popular. At first she’s nice, but then as soon as she realizes she’s actually quite similar to the popular, I can feel she’s changed. Just like that.

The nerd, they’re always get bullied. Often in the class or after school time. Maybe not bullied like get hit or a fight. But the popular one harassed them and teased them with bad words. The nerd likes to play card and they’re almost always got the first rank. And usually the nerds here don’t always the one with braces and glasses. If you aren’t in a cool after school activity, and many of the popular didn’t know you, then, you’re the nerd.

And the last, Me. I’m not categorized to the mid-popular just because I almost know everyone, and everyone knows me. I’m not also the nerd that always got the first rank. My friend and I called it the mid-nerd. We’re not the popular, also not the nerd. The reason why everyone knows me, includes the popular, is because the popular talking bad about me. And the news spreads pretty fast. I remembered one of my mid-popular acted like they don’t know me at all. When I greeted her (I always greet people I know. It’s just like my thing since I was junior high school), she turned around and left me. Wow. I mean what the hell is going on here. Turned out I was the one who filled the gossip line now. At first I felt quite annoy with their attitude. But then I realized, well, if they really talking about me. So be it. I don’t give a care, anyway.

Let’s see to the positive things, I am not the nerd, because almost everyone knows me for my bad that I didn’t ever do. And about other gossip that I personally know it wasn’t true. And other positive thing is, I know which one of them who doesn’t want me in their life. “I don’t need someone who doesn’t want me in their life” that’s a quote from a movie.

At least now I have a wonderful nice friends who always there for me. No matter the popular was talking bad about me. Because they like me for who I am, but not what they heard I am.

I join this not-so-known after school activities, traditional music. I joined them because they are very interesting but aren’t desirable by the students, because it is a traditional, duh. Here we are in the modern era and we like pop and rap music yo!

In fact, I sorta like rock music. And I really love pop music. But that doesn't mean I must forget the traditional ones, right? Especially from where I live right now. We have variety of amazing original cultures. If we aren’t aware of its special cultures, who did?

After our activity heard to the popular and mid-popular, and also the nerd. There are some of them joined our group at last. Because there aren’t bunch of us, we are pretty close to each other. And now I feel like we’re uniting in here, the popular, the mid-popular and the nerd. It’s like New Directions in Glee.

And I kept asking myself, why, why we can be this close, when actually in the reality of school reputation we are totally different labels. And the answer is, because we tend to see and judge others by labels rather than the real person is. Just like I did before. The popular, the mid-popular, the mid-nerd, and the nerd. We even labeled ourselves with the labels they gave us.

I admit we may be different but we are the same underneath. We all have vulnerabilities and fear. We love and we hate. Let’s say, we often have to read a few chapters before we can gain interest in a book. How is it possible to know what the book will be like just by viewing its label? “Oh, this is horror, and this is sooo bad.” or “Oh, this is romance, and this is very cheesy”. You didn’t even read the title or cover. Just the labels they had. It’s ridiculous right? But that’s what we tend to do, anyway.

When you finally see someone, know someone really deep. We begin to realize that we share, deep down, the same fears, triumphs, degradations and insecurities; a common bond.

We just have to be willing to realize deep down and find a way to relate. We need to learn to care about other people and accept them as individuals rather than people we just don't like by their goddamn labels.

I know, labels can make everything become quite easy. You can find the book you search by its label. Imagine books without label, it’s like “I don’t know what this book is. It looks horror but it’s a cook book or something.” It’s confusing. But back to the topic I have discussed, we can’t judge the book by it.

The point is, we should be more willing to accept people because we are all human after all. (I know, duh). No matter you’re popular, nerds, gay, black, Muslim, Buddhist, smart, or idiot. But admit it, it easier to be said than done. But let’s we walk just a mile in someone else’s shoes. And it makes a world of differences.

People say, you can't change your past. But you can let go and start changing your future.

It's such a bull. Yes, you can't change your past. Yes, you can change your future. But let go? No.

Maybe YOU can let it go. But others? No.

It's kinda sucks when you did a dick move back then, when you're such a little nonsense who haven't understand things would be this complicated, they still haven't let it go.

Like an example, in your first year of middle school, you were kicked out of school. and then in the high school you came back. Do you think they will forget and let go of YOUR past? No.

Even it was 3 years long. And I believe you have changed better through all the years.

Do you see the pattern here?

So, the whole things was YOUR past. Not theirs. But why they're so fcking care, and remember it, in which you tried with all your power to forget and let it go for became a better person than the past?

I don't know either.

“You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything. . . affects everything.”

Jay Asher, Thirteen Reason Why.

Hope springs eternal

Hope.
It isn't a forbidden thing, ist it?

Hope, was kind of the expectation that we had, but we weren't so sure it will happens or not.

But what if,
what if I was hoping for something that I know would never happen?

Same reason people keep buying lottery tickets.
Why do they still continue to believe in impossibilities?

Maybe for making me feel alright. Or maybe I was too selfish to face the reality. And scared to realize the fact that it will never going to happen. Unless there was a prodigy. But I do believe what the Doctor said: The universe is big. It's vast and complicated and ridiculous and sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles.

Maybe, maybe I'm too naive for believe in it. But on the other hand, hope springs eternal. It's what keeps us stuck. People will continue to hope even though they have evidence that things cannot possibly turn out the way they want.

And people always hope for the best, even in the face of adversity.

Hope springs eternal.